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Shubho Dristi (First sight) - Kanchana Banerjee

"Get up shona (dear one), it's time," ma was saying.
Sharmi was fast asleep and mumbled a weak protest.
"You're still sleeping, don't you know you've have to eat this before sunrise," pishimoni's (father's sister) shrill voice pierced through her sleep. It was the day of her wedding and she was being awakened from deep slumber at 3.30 am to be fed the customary paste of curd, sugar and wet chidwa. She wouldn't be allowed any more food the whole day till her wedding ritual was over late at night. "Why on earth do they have to make this day feel like a torture," is what Sharmi was thinking. Maybe to prepare for what lay ahead!!

"Am I doing the right thing?" she lay thinking. The sickening sweet taste had driven away sleep and her mind wandered to think about her wedding later in the evening and her fiancé Akash. With all the right qualifications, tall, fair and passable good looks, everyone teased her on how lucky she was. "He's just too good" is what everyone had said. Baba had picked him out from a pile of replies to the matrimonial ad that was placed in The Times of India. "I am going to check him out before anybody comes to see my doll," father said. And he did. Despite protests from ma and long lectures about how a girl's family must be more submissive, he had gone ahead with ma to see if the boy was worth it. Both had returned flushed with excitement. "I've found the one for my jewel"' he told her later that night. Sharmi and father had a very special relationship. He let her walk free and never held her back but let her know he was right behind just in case she needed him. "You fill her mind if too much independence. It'll cause her trouble in life," mother always said. But he believed in freedom but always added, "To enjoy freedom, you have to show responsibility. Never misuse the liberty I give you." She never did. She never had to.

That early morning as darkness slowly gave way to light; Sharmi was lost in her thoughts she never thought would come to her mind on her wedding day. She was thinking of all the fights she had throughout her 6-month courtship with Akash. She never told anyone about it, not even her father with whom she shared all her secrets. There was very little about her life which father didn't know about. She remembered how Akash had snapped at her when she had called him at his office. He was busy he had said. "He never thought even for once that there were ten other people around him," she was thinking. All this was making her very upset. "Why am I thinking about all this today, I should be thinking about happy things." Try as she might she just couldn't push away those thoughts. Yeah, then there was the day when he had taken her to buy a sari for her birthday. "I wanted the pink one and he wanted the blue. If he had already decided what he wanted, why did he take me along. He could've bought and just gifted it. He not only wants to do what he thinks is right, he wants me to agree with him." She remembered how in the car he had explained to her that blue looked better on her and had made her say yes, albeit lovingly.

"Is something wrong?" asked Baba, sitting next to her bed looking down at her with his loving brown eyes. She slipped her hand out of the warm quilt and held his puffed pudgy palm. She just loved holding his hand; the hand that he had held while walking her to school, learning to swim, crossing the road...she could feel tears stinging into her eyes. She wanted to hold them back but failed miserably.
"You're not going far away, it's not like you're leaving me forever. This is what you wanted. I asked you before placing the ad if you wanted to marry and you said yes. Akash is a wonderful boy and he'll make you happy." Just as he had uttered those words, the thought just jumped to her mind. "No, he'll never make me happy." She was shocked at the thought. It was her day of wedding and her mind was screaming, "Tell him about his bad temper. Tell him that you'll never be happy with him." She just couldn't get the words out of her mouth.

"Didibhai (elder sister), God I can't believe the day had finally arrived. Look it's a bright sunny day, blue sky just the way you said it would be." This was her favourite cousin sister Parul. It was the month of July and it rained cats & dogs in Calcutta at that time. Baba had wanted a winter marriage but Akash had said that he had free return tickets to London that would expire by August. "I want to take her to Europe for our honeymoon." As expected it had been raining continuously but Sharmi, lover of blue sky and sun had said, "Just wait and see. On the day I marry, my favourite sun would shine and light up the blue sky." From kidhood she loved the sun and hated to see a sunless sky. And the sun did shine bright but inside her heart it was dark and gloomy.

The room was filled with her cousins and they were chattering all at once. "Wow, look how beautiful the mehndi looks!"
"Just look how deep the colour is. Someone is going to get all the love of her hubby darling."
"Stupid, darker the colour, more your mother in-law loves you."
"Who on earth needs a loving MIL?"
Sharmi wasn't listening to any of the patter. She just wanted to be left alone. She needed to think. Just couldn't shake away the dark clouds out of her mind. But today there was no way she could hope for some time alone. It 8 in the morning and people had already started coming.

Finishing her bath, she wore the yellow-green tangil sari. "Today you have to wear a sari. No salwar kamiz," Ma had said.
"Oh! Ma you don't have a single jewel on your self," kakimoni (aunty) screamed. With some gold thin necklaces, earrings and loads of bangles Sharmi was ready.

"What is it that I want? Why am I feeling so sick in the stomach"? She was sitting with kaku (uncle) and performing the puja of offering prayers to the dead in the family and invoking their blessings. "So young woman, the day has finally come," he whispered. He was quite puzzled with the blank look on Sharmi's face. "Oh! Don't be nervous. He's not a stranger. You courted him for 6 months."
Yes, she did and she couldn't explain to anyone, not even herself what it was that upset her about him. "They've arrived." People had come from Akash's house with the totto - the customary gifts from the groom's house for the bride and her family. Puja over, Sharmi went with her cousins to welcome his brothers & sisters who had brought the totto. Like her own they were ecstatic about the wedding. Akash being the eldest in the family, the marriage was a major event for them.

There wasn't a thing in pink. He knew it was her favourite colour. Blue was dominant in its presence, stating his preference and decision. "He knows I love pink and it doesn't even occur to him that maybe I would want something in pink," she thought. "Dada has sent a special note for you," said Tukai, Akash's younger brother. A heavily black tapped envelope was put in her hands. It looked as though it contained the most precious state secret. A simple waiting-for-you card with a small message - "Can't wait to be with you. See you tonight. Take good care of my cousins. By the way do you like the totto? It's all in your favourite colour."
Six months and he didn't even know that she hated blue. And what did he mean by "take care...of my cousins?" why did he always have to tell her what to do as though she were an imbecile kid. She just had to get away from the chaos and noise. What was happening to her? It was noon, the sky burned high up in the sky. Sharmi was on her way to Kakoli kakima's (aunty) house where the beautician from the parlour would come to do up her face.

"I can't tell you how excited I was on the day of my wedding. You know what happened..." Munmun, the beautician was going on and on. Sharmi sat rock still, mind far away while Munmun was talking non-stop. She was all dressed, weighing a ton with all her mother's jewels and the heavy brocade sari. "You're looking so beautiful," said Munmun.
"Am I? How come I don't feel good? I just want to take all this off and sleep." Sharmi was thinking.
"Is everything all right with you? You're looking so lost. Oh! It's natural to be nervous about you know what," Munmun added.
"Yes, probably it's just that. Maybe I am worried about having sex," thought Sharmi. But why was she breathing so deeply and feeling so ...trapped? She was taken to the marriage pandal and sat down on the special throne adorned for her. Baba, ma, and kaku everyone was there, waiting for the groom to arrive. Sharmi was trying to catch Baba's eye. He was just too busy attending to the guests. The wedding hall shone like a palace but inside her the lights just seemed to have gone off.

From the loud cheer it was obvious that the groom and his family had arrived. After some more time it would be her shubho dristi. A ritual when the bride is taken around the groom and they see each other. In the past, when arranged marriages were the order of the day, shubho dristi was really the first time the bride groom saw each other. Today it was a fun custom for the cousins to joke and make merry. It's also customary for the bride to be carried on a wooden platter by her brothers around the groom. Earlier as girls married whilst still very young, it made sense to carry them but many today dispense with sitting on the platter and walk around the groom seven times.

It was time for her to go. "Come on, Akash's waiting for you," Arunda was saying. "I'm not going to sit on any platter. I'm going to walk around," Sharmi said. "But how can you? That's not done." There were loud protests. But Sharmi had made up her mind. She would walk. She could see Akash standing tall midst women waiting for her. With every step she took, her heart pound faster and in her mind flashed every single incident of his snapping at her and the all blue totto. She just wanted to shut her eyes and her mind. She just wanted to stop thinking. But couldn't. Now she stood barely a foot away from Akash, her face covered with a betel leaf. Nandini didi was holding her hand and walk around with her. Someone was saying, "Why isn't she on a platter? The bride can't walk. She has to sit on a platter." Nandini didi started leading her around Akash. "Wait." The voice shook her and she looked up, putting aside the betel leaf. "I think I told you not to do something like this. You have to sit on a platter like the custom," Akash spoke with his jaw set and stern. How well, she knew that look. He always closed his jaw tight and barely parted his lips when he has spoke. He almost hissed. "But Akash, she doesn't want to and... " Nandini was trying to explain. Akash was obviously in no mood to listen. "I think I'd made it clear." He was still hissing. Among those around there was a nervous shuffle. Some trying to tell her to sit on a platter while others were trying to explain to him...

All this while Sharmi was just looking at him. All she could hear in that chaos was her father telling her once long ago, "If you give me a good reason for doing something, I'll agree with you. Even if you tell me, sitting on the wedding piti, that you don't want to get married and can give me a good reason, I'll just call it off."
"Someone please call my Baba," Sharmi heard herself saying. She wasn't screaming. She had the tone that made Akash stop hissing and looked at her not understanding what was happening.
"What are you doing, Sharmi?" Nandinidi was saying in her ear.
"Just call Bapi" was all Sharmi said again. All this while she had her eyes firmly on Akash. She saw it as clear as the blue sky lit by the bright sun. The clouds gave way and she now saw ever so clearly. She couldn't marry this picture perfect man, for the simple reason he was far from perfect.

Baba was right next to her. Sharmi now had tears in her eyes. "Do you remember telling me that if I gave you a good reason for not wanting to marry, even if I was on the piti you'd let me walk away? Take me home Baba. I can't marry this man. I don't want to marry him." By now there was stunned silence all around.
"What are you saying Sharmi?" Akash started to say.
"Just shut up," Sharmi snapped back. All those months of being told what to do, what not to do, what to wear and what to say...his controlling attitude had eaten her insides. She had wanted to scream and tell everyone that the smiling, cheerful Akash that everyone knew was dominating, overbearing and obnoxious in such a silent way that even she couldn't put her finger on it.
"I know Baba you'll lose a lot of money and face, but please take me home."
"What on earth is happening," that was ma. She was at the dining area when she was told something was wrong. Baba just stopped her and said, "We are going home."
"What do you mean...going home?" ma looked as though she were about to have a heart attack.

Sharmi didn't remember anything after that. All she remembered was her father's arms around her as he led her away. She could feel eyes of 600 people poking like needles into her, but Baba just held her tight and kept saying, "Please make way for us." There was chaos behind her but she just walked ahead leaning on him. He put her in a car, asked Dhruv kaka and Ashok dada to take her home. "Not a word to her," he told them. "Baba I...' Sharmi started to say. "I'll take care of everything. Don't worry. Go home. We'll talk later and yes, stay away from the phone," he said holding her hand with his puffy palm. She could have hugged him. As the car moved away from the pandal, Sharmi turned to look at her Baba standing there. "Someday I'll tell you how much this means to me. Your faith, trust and love. I'm sorry. How I wish more men could be like you, bapi, who respect women as individuals, as other human beings."

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