Editorial Music & Art Humour Short Story Book Review Health & Fitness Children Story Profiles Punjab Round-Up Poetry Prev Issue Next Issue

The Many Ways of Expressing Love Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

If you've been following the news recently, you might think Indians have something against love. You might think it's only a matter of time before love is banned in India.

An excited Bal Thackeray would appear on television to say: "We have seen the terrible influence of love on our young people and have decided to take action. From now on, love will not be permitted in India, except in two places: Bollywood and my house. No more LOVE marriages please, only LIKE marriages. As for sex, please carry on as usual."

The notion that India, home of the Kamasutra, would discourage love seems preposterous, but imagine the impression westerners get when they hear that Indian couples are sometimes restricted from expressing love.

American tourist: "Hey, why are you all protesting? What's going on?"

Protester: "We are members of Shiv Sena. We are upset that you westerners have brought V.D. to India."

Tourist: "V.D.? Venereal disease?"

Protester: "No, even worse than that: Valentine's Day. It will be the ruination of our country. That's what Shri Thackeray says -- and we believe him."

Tourist: "But what's the harm in showing a little love?"

Protester: "It may seem harmless to you, but we've seen the damage it has done to America. Remember: Monica Lewinsky just wanted to show a little love, too. Americans are buying cards and flowers not just for their spouses, but also their girlfriends, boyfriends, grandparents, children, and pets. Even on the Internet, they are getting carried away with V.D."

Tourist: "V.D.? Valentine's Day?"

Protester: "No, virtual dating. They are dating people who live hundreds of miles away, spending money on Internet access and telephone calls. Americans spend more money on love than we spend on food. How much did you yourself spend on cards and flowers last year?"

Tourist: "Only $200 on my wife -- and $800 on my girlfriend. But I don't mind buying cards and flowers. I'm willing to send them cards and flowers every day -- as long as they don't ask for jewelry. Do you know how much gold and diamonds cost?"

Protester: "Too much. I have a wife, too, you know. But it's not just a question of money. Look what's happening in Calcutta. Young couples want to create a love zone where they can talk and kiss in public, without having to worry about police harassment. That is such a western concept."

Tourist: "Talking and kissing in public?"

Protester: "No, not having to worry about police harassment. If our police didn't harass people, how else would they earn their money?"

Tourist: "That's a good point. So how do you show your love to your wife? Do you tell her you love her?"

Protester: "Oh, you misguided American. Of course I tell my wife I love her. I told her as recently as 1978. Just ask her. I don't have to tell her every day, because she has a good memory. I married a very smart woman. But as you know, there are many ways to express love. My wife and I show love through our actions. For example, I show my love by not disturbing her when she's cooking. I don't even put my nose in the kitchen. And she shows her love by giving me plenty of V.D."

Tourist: "V.D.? Virtual dating?"

Protester: "No, vegetarian dishes. What's wrong with you? I thought you Americans were good at abbreviations."

Graphic Credits: http://www.things-to-say.com

View and Post comment on this article