Editorial Reflections Music & Art Short Story Musings Health Culture Women & Society Folk-tale Humour Poetry Prev Issue Next Issue

Single In The City- Book Preface - By- Sunny Singh SUNNY SINGH was born in Varanasi. She received her education in various parts of India and the world. She has worked as a journalist, teacher, and as a management executive for multinationals in Mexico, Chile and South Africa. For the last four years, she has been writing full-time. She is also a playwright. Her first play, Birthing Athena, focussed on evolving relationships and the price of ambition in post-liberalisation India. The Times of India described the play as "an intensely cathartic experience." Her first novel, Nani's Book of Suicides, had been recently published by Harper Collins Publishers India. Described by the Hindustan Times as a "first novel of rare scope and power," the novel explores the cultural identity of an Indian woman through a fund of myths, family lore and contemporary reality. Her second book, Single in the City: The independent woman's handbook has just been released on Dec 22, 2000 by Penguin India. Sunny Singh shares her thoughts on her inspirations behind writing this book and how the material in the book was built.

Book Name: Single in the City: The independent woman's handbook
Author: Sunny Singh
Publisher: Penguin India
Pages: 400
Price: Rs. 295

In my grandmother's village in Bihar lived a most astonishing woman. Beautiful, stern, an amazing horse rider, and the village's best shot with a rifle. She lived in her own house at the far end of the family compound and oversaw the farming on her own land. When the men discussed serious matters in the chaupal, her voice was the only female one raised and heard.

As a child, I was fascinated by Urvashi because she wasn't married or widowed although she was as old as my grandmother. She was free from rules and made up her own as she lived. Of course, as I grew, I noticed other single women who were forging their own paths through life.

My grandmother, widowed at an early age, was another single woman who handled property and legal matters, ran the household, oversaw the farming and the disposal of the crops. My aunts, young, educated and unmarried, were the flipside of the single-woman coin; they were single by choice not circumstances. In their strength of character, articulation of their needs and steely determination to cope with life, these women provided inspiring role models.

When I began researching the recent urban phenomenon of single women for a book, I assumed that such role models were few. After all, most researchers and reports suggested that the single woman was a contemporary trend, brought on by economic liberalization and social change. Many analysts held liberalization, satellite TV, and the Western influence responsible for the growing number of single women in India.

Yet, as I spoke to single women across the country, they all referred to role models at home. "I never thought of Americans or foreigners," says Hema. "I had a teacher in school who lived on her own although she was in her forties. She lived alone in a little house, drove a red Fiat and had short hair. Back in the sixties, in small town in Madhya Pradesh, that was a rarity. Now when I look back, I suppose I really wanted to grow up to be like her. She was beautiful and intelligent and seemed a lot happier and stress-free than all the married women around me."

Hema isn't alone in finding her role models close to home. Many women mentioned a widowed aunt, an unmarried teacher or a neighbour as their childhood ideals.

Another homegrown phenomenon amongst single women is the wariness of the feminist label. Most single women don't consider themselves feminists although they are living, practising proofs of the women's movement. "When I think of feminism, I get this image of a foreigner burning bras and talking about her right to have sex. That is not what I am interested in," says Aparna, a university student.

Indian feminist leaders have also failed to capture the imaginations of the single women brigade. "They are all hypocrites," says Amrita from Patna. "They sit in their ivory towers in Delhi and Bombay and talk about feminism. They have no clue about the difficulties women like me face in places like Bihar."

Instead, the Indian single women is finding role models outside the confines of the official women's movement. "If you look carefully, most the famous women in Indian history were all single women - not just the queens but the ones who got famous for what they achieved themselves," Reema points out.

Of course, as more women move out of traditional family units and strike out on their own, liberalization has helped enormously in providing the means to be independent for most single women. Varied and improved means of generating income have made living alone easier for single women. Financial independence was cited as the main motivation by a number of single women for living on their own. "My parents' generation got married because women couldn't work and there was no way of living on your own. I don't have to marry simply to get my bills paid," Rashmi explains. This is leading to a slow emergence of a unique form of the "me-generation." "Why should I marry?" asks Anvita, who works for a TV channel. "I see my married classmates and they are constantly at the beck and call of their in-laws. They can't take a job that will displease the husband or his family. They can't go out late, or take assignments that involve late hours. A man isn't worth my freedom." she says.

Economic imancipation has spelled a shift in the balance of power within the home. Women are opting out of marriages that do not work. "Why should I stay with someone when I am unhappy?" asks Reema. "Specially when I can live a better life on my own." Of course, women acknowledge the possible negative fall out of their independence. "When I found out my husband had been unfaithful, I walked out on him," says Shristhi, a divorcee. "He wanted another chance and said it was a once-off mistake. Perhaps, if I were dependent on him for money, I would have tried harder to stay."

On a different front, women's own income has equipped them to cope with personal tragedies such as widowhood. Mala, recently widowed, believes that her financial independence was crucial to her survival the initial few months. "At least, I wasn't concerned where the rent was coming from. The loss is hard enough to bear without having to worry about how am I going to live."

Among urban Indian single women, there seem to be two clear-cut trends emerging. One set of women are single by choice, having refused to marry(or merely delayed matrimony) or divorced their spouses. The other set is single by circumstances, having been widowed or never married due to family or personal reasons.

While the stress levels and happiness quotients vary significantly between the two groups, the challenges of single life in India are quite similar. Finding appropriate housing, specially on rent, ensuring safety at home, work or on the road, adverse attitudes of the society towards single women are all cited as obstacles to be overcome.

Other issues are seemingly trivial but pose serious challenges in the life of the single woman. Social behaviour has undergone a drastic change in the last few years and single women are often left floundering in the flux. Dating, social life, pre-marital sex and sexual ethics are areas that are still being evolved.

Many women expressed similar concerns about coping with sexual harassment - on the street, at the workplace and even at home. Nearly all of them cited the "lack of clear behavioural rules" as the reason for their problems. "I have worked out a clear picture in Mumbai where I live," says Hema, "but when I visit my parents in Bhopal, it gets blurred again."

Some of these concerns are mine too. As a single woman, I too constantly check and balance my attitudes, behaviour and dress to find the path of least resistance. Frequently, I remember my grandmother and Urvashi, looking for some lessons from the past that will help me cope with the present and prepare me for the future. Fortunately, I have found survival lessons in the oddest of places and always when I have needed them most.

At college, I attended a woman's studies seminar on sexual harassment in the workplace. While most speakers spoke vociferously of legal protection and law enforcement, a petite, silver-haired woman in her fifties looked on smiling. At lunch she told us a story of one of America's first woman construction workers:

"On her first day, as she went up a ladder, the guy above her dropped his pants. She could have screamed, or been squeamish or gone to the supervisor with a complaint. Instead, she looked down at her grinning co-workers and yelled: "Hey someone forgot to shave today." Her reaction set off widespread laughter, and as the story got repeated in the next few days, it got more colourful. She got the required respect from the boys and no one ever bothered her again."

I suppose the point of the story is one most of us in India are acutely familiar with: No law, no political body or police force will fight our battles. While extreme situations need legal recourse, every woman needs to work out her own strategies and find her own teachers. The upside is that most of us do. We draw on reserves within us to ignore, tolerate, change and fight as necessary. And we find the strangest teachers to teach us the wisdom to choose the best strategy for any situation.

"My dhobin (washerwoman) is my guru. She comes up with real gems for coping with singledom even though there is a huge social, economic and educational gap between us," confesses Mala, a journalist in Bhopal. Other women learn survival skills from grandmothers, neighbours, women's magazines and, of course, the greatest teacher - their own experiences.

Despite such optimism and variety of coping skills, a great number of single Indian women continue to feel isolated. Many feel like the proverbial oddballs. The lack of a formal female support system exacerbates the feeling of alienation. With no determined spaces for interaction with peers, many Indian single women are constantly gripped with doubts. "Is this the right choice? Maybe I should be married with kids instead of single and pursuing a career? Am I too demanding about what I want in a man? Shouldn't I compromise?"

While occasionally entertaining such doubts is no doubt normal and even healthy as doubts help reconsider our future plans, constant introspection can be debilitating. Incessant doubts can also create tremendous, and unnecessary, stress. For many single women, who lack a support network, prolonged depression is a fact of life.

When the idea of a handbook for the Single Indian Woman was mooted, I jumped at the chance. Not simply because I am single and thought it was a great idea. I also wanted to learn from other single woman. This book was a chance to swap stories, develop a single woman's support network, voice our concerns and hone our survival skills. If you could only imagine the fun evenings that went into researching this book!

I have included a number of interesting stories: some from single women, others gleaned from memory. There are anecdotes and survival tales. Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes that "Stories are medicine They have such power; they do not require that we do, be, act anything - we need only listen Stories engender the excitement, sadness, questions, longings and understandings that spontaneously bring the archetype back to the surface. Hopefully the stories included in this book have some of the powers listed above.

The stories, and the survival skills, they contain have been divided to match the various spaces in the life of a single woman. For purely organizational reasons, the volume has been divided into three broad sections: Public, Private and Personal.

The section titled Public Spaces encompasses issues relating, mainly, to the workplace. Key concerns such as career tracking, managing office politics (sexual and professional), sexual harassment and setting boundaries to enhance the single woman's professional abilities are discussed. Successful single women professionals share their strategies on work place situations, travelling alone and ensuring that one's single status is not turned into an excuse for an unfair allotment of work. This section also provides specific strategies and skills for ensuring one's safety in the car, the workplace and the street. Safety concerns are discussed for different scenarios including travelling (public buses, trains and airplanes), parties, marketplaces, parties and discotheques. The paperwork chapters discuss the importance of maintaining proper documentation for legal, inheritance, personal and security purposes.

The Private Spaces section deals primarily with the single woman's home environment. Stories (horror, comic and otherwise) illustrate the challenges of acquiring and maintaining a safe, comfortable home space. The section provides effective strategies for renting houses, hiring house-help and ensuring personal safety within the home.

Most Indian women grow up without adequate survival skills for living alone. These may be as trivial as fixing a leaking tap or installing an alarm system in their homes. Th Private Spaces chapters cover the principles of home repair and maintenance and provides basic tips and guidelines for electrical and auto diagnosis and repair, plumbing and carpentry. (Yes, I know, you can hire someone to do this work for you but no electrician will show up at ten o'clock at night to fix a fuse! And you better know how to fix a flat tyre on your own).

However, this section isn't just about getting your hands dirty. Private Spaces also covers fun topics of entertaining at home. More importantly, it provides etiquette, comfort and personal security guidelines that ensure you enjoy your entertaining-a-deux.

Finally, the section titled Personal Space provides insights into the mind of the single Indian woman today. As the single woman in India forges a path of herself, she is often faced with opposition from those closest to her. Smoothening family relationships, creating an alternative support network and developing friendships are covered in this section, as are issues dealing with dating, finding a partner and safe sex are also discussed in this section. Women from across the country share their strategies for coping with the pressures of dating, meeting the boys the parents constantly send over, having sex and surviving heartbreak.

This section of the book also provides key coping and stress-management skills. Recent studies show that depression is one of the top medical conditions affecting women. Single women, often cut off from sources of assistance and support, are even more susceptible to depression. Psychologists and successful women share their strategies for overcoming emotional distress.

Most importantly, this is a book by and for the Indian single woman. There is no political agenda or ideology locked within its pages. This is a book simply about survival, and in many ways about winning. At the very least, culling a few of the strategies, tips and skills from its pages may help you cope better with your life.

Hopefully, identifying with the women who speak within its covers will offer a sense of comfort: that you're not alone! That there is nothing un-Indian about being single and female. A woman doctor from Bihar told me that "Razia Sultan, Meerabai, Rani of Jhansi were all single women. Even way back in the epics, look at Amba and Kunti. I am just following in their footsteps. Obviously, there is some link between female achievements and singlehood."

So, whether you are a professional actor or engineer, living in cosmopolitan Mumbai or small-town Nagpur; or are single by choice or by compulsion; single for life or merely till you take the seven pheras; live with your parents or on your own with your dog; this book is intended to provide a shared experience, a common space to share, learn and grow from what we know together. This book is about the single woman, but more importantly, about the single Indian woman with her unique traditions and upbringing, her tremendous historical burden and her special cultural lineage.